When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need
to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it
out on someone you don't know......

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had
forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying, "Hello." I politely said, "This is Fred Hannifin. Could I please
speak with Robin Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me... I
couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude.

I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an
asshole!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and
put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills
or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!"
It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic
'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said,
"Hi, this is John Smythe from the XYZ Telephone Company. I'm just calling
to see if you're familiar with the Caller ID program?"

He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking
spot.Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I
had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car
window ...so, I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole,
(I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW
asshole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is," he said.

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Sure, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and
the car's parked right out in front." he replied.

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

He said, "I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?" he said.

"Don, you're an asshole." Then I hung up, and added his number
to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to
call.

But after several months of calling them, it just wasn't as
enjoyable as it used to be...

So, I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.

"Hello."

"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me!!!" he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black
Beamer parked in the drive, Asshole."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better
start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."

Then I called Asshole #2.

"Hello?" he said.

"Hello, asshole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are!!"

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ass!" he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over
right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police. I told them that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to
kill my cheating, gay lover.

Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th Street.

There I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew.

NOW, I feel better.

WHAT TO DO IN WAL-MART

Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.

Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.

Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.


Challenge Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.

Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.

Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10".

Play with the automatic doors.

Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.

While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this crud, anyway?"

Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.

Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."

Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.

Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.

As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"

Put M&M's on layaway.

Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.

Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"

TP as much of the store as possible.

Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.

When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"

Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"

Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

Take bets on the battle described above.

Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.

Hold indoor shopping cart races.

Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible."

Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.

Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"

Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

Two words: "Marco Polo."

Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.

"Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.

In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.

When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.

Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.

When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"

Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.

Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

What's better than ten babies in one bucket?
One baby in ten buckets!

How do you get ten babies into a bucket?
With a blender!

How do you get them out again?
With a straw? ... Or Dorito's!

Why do you always put babies into the blender feet first?
So you can see the expressions on their faces

And conversely, why should you always put them into the blender head first?
So you can see their tiny feet curl up into little balls.

Your mum's so dumb she spent 5 hrs lookin at a carton of orange juice coz it sed concentrate!!!
Your mum's so fat wen she woz angry with me i had to catch a train, a bus, a ferry and a plane just to get on her good side!!!
Your mum's so dumb she had to climb over a clear glass wall to see what was on the other side.
Your mum's so fat she went in2 New York wearing a yellow anorak and people kept shouting "TAXI!!!"
Your mum's so dumb she tried to drown a fish
Your mum's so fat she got baptised in Sea World
Your mum's so dumb she got hit by a parked car
Your mum's so fat she was swimming in the atlantic, then Columbus saw her and named her "America"!!!
Your mum's so old her birth certificate has expired
Your mum's so old she fought in starwars and went to school with yoda

THE END.

oh yeah many sec 1s today said i rock. hehe its the truth. THANK YOU THANK YOU. =)